Love Lockdown
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Amy is having doubts about Reagan while Karma is struggling to keep her romantic feelings for Amy a secret.
1. Chapter 1

_*I've been wanting to write one like this for a while*_

**Love Lockdown**

**Part I**

So, things are normal I guess. There haven't been any huge events or any heartbreaking disruptions. Karma has been focused on her music and understanding herself. And Amy? Well… Amy's been… Happy.

"Still can't get it?"

"I know, it's impossible," Karma mumbled. She plucked a few notes on her guitar again and they sounded just like before. She was trying to create the perfect transition but somehow it always fell flat.

"Break?" Amy asked sweetly, extending her hand. She had been watching her friend from her spot on the grass and wishing for things to be right with them. There hadn't been much drama but Amy knew she had pushed Karma away for most of the year without so much as an explanation.

The biggest problems they had were those first few months when Amy was full-on courting Reagan, before that relationship was solidified things were very rocky between Karma and Amy. Karma still wanted to be in Amy's life but Amy couldn't have her then. She had to push her away.

Once Karma realized what was happening and why, she felt a responsibility to step back and stay away. It's easy to say, she embraced that responsibility and found that it gave her purpose and mended a few tears in the fabric of her existence, tears left by the fight that was now considered by her to be the year of clueless Karma.

So, for now, Karma just stood by loyally, despite how sad she was without Amy in her life and how much she missed her. If Amy had time for her it was great. If she didn't have time? Karma crawled into herself and tried to keep it all inside. She had become good at that. Too good.

"Everything okay?" Amy asked. They'd had months of this dance. Every now and again Amy would actually let herself get real and see her and talk to her and ask her how things were. And every time Karma would say:

"Yeah… I think so," in that sweet optimistic way of hers. It had gotten to the point where Karma had been lying about things for so long she didn't even know now how to tell Amy the truth.

She had some new friends but she distanced herself because of the previous year. Plus there was no one Karma really pined for but Amy. And nothing she really wanted to do that didn't involve being with Amy and just Amy.

Truth was, that pining was really starting to get intense. It was taking on a whole new life and heading into a direction that Karma never could've anticipated or even imagined before this year.

When Amy was by her side she could hide it away and be strong for her but every time Amy left her alone again it was like this whole dream world opened up in Karma and she found herself thinking of Amy almost constantly though she tried to ward it off with busy work and new pet projects. On the plus side that meant she was actually super productive with her music and her studies. On the down side it meant she was thinking about Amy waaaaaaaaaaaay too much and all in secret. No one really knew but her.

It wasn't right and she knew it but what was seemed healthy for her and what seemed good to do for the sake of those around her sometimes flowed in two separate streams so she was constantly trying to concoct the perfect balance. In the end she was giving in and trying to have the best of both worlds. Which was unhealthy and she knew it was.

"Hey, come on, it's me," Amy said, holding onto her hand and loving her, missing her.

"I'm good, really," Karma lied.

What mattered now was that Amy was good. Karma would sacrifice anything for Amy to be happy and she knew that now because the true price of it all had been to let herself be lost.

"Well… I know you, so I know you're lying… And I wish you'd talk to me," Amy smirked, drinking in the sight of her.

"It's not something you can fix anyway," Karma smiled back, adoring Amy with her eyes and wishing this moment could just last and last and last.

But Amy's phone buzzed and without thinking she pulled her hand away from Karma's.

"Oh, sorry. It's Reagan, we've got a thing tonight."

"What kind of thing?" Karma sighed. So much of her time with Amy was filled with supportiveness and patience, pretending to not be sad, pretending to not be jealous, pretending to not find everything besides Amy completely pointless and dull.

"She's gonna do photography at this wedding and I told her I'd be her assistant."

"That's really cute," Karma laughed. Reagan seemed to be good at everything. It was good but a lot to try and measure up to. Not that anyone was doing that but still, Karma couldn't help sometimes but try and compare herself and end up feeling inferior.

"What about you? What are you up to tonight?"

"You know, same stuff… I wanna finish that song and try and work on the album. I'm still trying to-"

Amy's phone began to ring and Karma watched her smile appear and her blush and her pure expression of joy. She stopped talking without meaning to and smiled back in full because when Amy smiled it was like the world was noticing her.

She sat back and watched as Amy talked and flirted. Amy did this thing where she glanced at her while saying certain flirtatious things to Reagan on the phone. If Amy only knew what Karma was thinking she'd stop that, Karma was sure. But Amy could never know because there would never be a right time to be right in saying: _Hey Amy, I think I'm in love with you now. _Her chance had come and gone and she'd missed it. Maybe one day if Amy was ever alone again or unhappy again.. If the stars lined up just right. But Karma stopped herself from wishing that because for that to happen Amy would have to be let down by someone, crushed completely. And Karma could never really wish for that. She just couldn't. So she silently dreamed in their time together about how it could be if everything was different. She didn't wish for it but she did dream it. Harmless dreams that made her smile. Dreams that Amy couldn't know about, and couldn't guess.

"Uh-huh, right. I'm sure you do," Amy said, staring over at Karma with that blush in her cheek and that smile on her face.

Karma tried not to feel that heavy happiness she felt whenever Amy did this thing. Amy was oblivious of it but she did it so much. Most of their time together now was Karma watching Amy on the phone with Reagan. Karma smiling at Amy while Amy was smiling at Karma.

It was weird but true and it was nothing that Karma could voice without scrutiny or strangeness coming after it as a result.

"What do you mean?! You know I clean-up nice," Amy laughed. They had met at a mansion and Amy had looked like some stunning heiress. Karma knew all about that now and wished she had been there. Amy always looked great in dresses. Okay, Amy always looked great.

"Whatever, I'll ask Karma," Amy said, rolling her eyes.

"Ask me what?" Karma interjected.

"She wants to know if we can do something with my hair." Amy hated dealing with her hair. She always had Karma or Lauren expend all the effort, and she always whined during the whole process, and she always felt good about it all once she saw herself in the mirror at the very end of said previously-unimportant task.

"Of course we can," Karma said. Another hour with Amy, at the minimum. Amy had long hair and Karma could drag it out. If this was the only way she could see her, she was going to drag it out, take forever, pretend it isn't right yet, just to stare at her for a little while more and feel her breathe the same air and live in the same space.

"Stop!" Amy said, almost shocked. She was responding to something Reagan had said, something Karma couldn't hear. Her smile was off the charts and it held both excitement embarrassment and undeniable fondness as she looked to Karma.

Karma laid back down on the grass and closed her eyes. She exhaled to try and relax and calm her own excitement that was obviously unwarranted and strange. It was a thing that should not be there, but it was.

While Amy laughed and flirted with Reagan on the line, Karma imagined the faces Amy was making, how happy she was, what exactly she was feeling. It was easier than actually seeing Amy sometimes because her memory was a safer place and in her memory it could be just them two, and it was softer there, less real. But, again, she knew this wasn't healthy, but it was helping her to keep sane.

The sound of Amy's laugh comforted Karma. She felt at once sleepy and safe. She didn't want to move or leave or change.

"Karma?" Amy had hung up the phone a while ago. She'd been silent a moment and just staring at her friend.

When Karma hadn't noticed, Amy rolled over to face her and lay on her side like Karma was doing, her head on her hands and her knees tucked up too. From space they probably looked the a heart or two sleeping lovers who couldn't even fall asleep turned away.

"Hmm?" Karma opened her eyes, a dreamy smile on her face.

"Hey you, whatcha doin?" Amy asked sweetly, inhaling in that sharp way she did when she was close to her friend. She brushed Karma's hair out of her face and marveled at her up close.

"Just dreaming…" Karma sighed with a smile. She couldn't help but stare at Amy's lips and wonder. _Did I ever even taste them before?_ She thought. And God she wanted to now. Just a taste.

Without thinking she reached her hand up to Amy's lips and traced them with her finger. Amy smiled and tucked her bottom lip in her mouth, breathing shaky with that touch.

"Dreaming, huh…" Amy smiled, pulling her hand up to Karma's wrist and pulling it down to rest on the grass in her grasp. Amy loved to touch her and be touched by her but sometimes it was just too much.

"Yup…" Karma sighed.

"You're pretty," Amy sighed back.

"Yup. That's me," Karma said, pulling her hand away from her and pushing herself to sit up. Too close for comfort. Too real to be.

"So, hair? Please?" Amy was sure it was just her but just then she felt something really magnetic between them. Karma was always doing things like that without realizing how it made Amy feel. Just her eyes on her and the way she spoke, the way she stared, everything Karma did just seemed like a sign to Amy. But long ago Amy had told herself that signs and words were different. Karma had said no. So, Karma had meant no.

Things like this? These things were the reason Amy was trying to distance herself from Karma as much as she could. She didn't want to make things weird.

But things already were weird. And Karma liked the direction they had been going before Amy started to pull away.

"You got it," Karma said, feeling weak as she made to stand. Breathing around her was sometimes hard. Especially when they had moments like that, fleeting moments with adoring stares and tender touches and secret thoughts that neither of them spoke. She stood and brushed her dress down and hoped she could be the person Amy needed her to be.

They had a date for after school and it would all be just fine.

**Part II**

The date went as planned. Karma went over to Amy's and spent a good hour and a half playing with her hair in that slow way she had intended all along. Amy kept asking her why it was taking so long and Karma kept telling her that her hair was difficult today and not to blame her.

But she really was to blame. She wanted to keep her. All that time of staring back at her through the mirror? Constantly touching her hair and her skin?

Amy wore a tank-top that left her shoulders and neck bare and Karma couldn't help but touch her every now and again. She'd pull Amy's hair back behind her shoulders and stare at Amy lovingly, pretending it was all for the tender science of beautifying her hair.

It wasn't for science and it wasn't for perfection. Amy was perfection to her and she had been that before she sat down in the chair.

At night, while Amy was away, Karma waited at home and thought about the wedding event. It would be fun to see Amy all dolled-up and holding reflection-guards and flashes. Reagan would use her like a tool and they'd both enjoy the whole thing.

At around 9:32 Karma got a call.

"Hey, you still up?"

"Yup," Karma said. It was embarrassing that even Amy knew she had been falling asleep early most of her nights now that she had nothing to look forward to and nothing to plan.

"Can I come over?"

"Sure," Karma breathed.

When would this pressure on her chest cease to be? Every time she thought of Amy it hurt. And when she talked to her or was with her or touched her it was all even worse. She felt like she was ill or something but it was just a tightness that wouldn't go away.

Karma changed into her cuter sweats. She had been wearing the hand-me-downs she stole from Zen's room when she was mad at him. But she wanted to be cute for Amy. It didn't matter to her that Amy always said she couldn't not be cute if she tried.

When Amy finally came she sat down on Karma's bed and pulled Karma down to sit with her. They laid back and stared at the ceiling. Karma had no idea what it was all about.

"Do you ever get jealous?" Amy asked.

A stinging pain shot through Karma's heart and then vanished.

"Of course," Karma said. All she could think about was how jealous she had been all night. But she tried not to be. She was insanely jealous of Reagan for getting Amy. It didn't matter that Karma had kept Amy hers for years upon years, a few months without her and the jealousy felt insane.

"I think… I think I was an idiot tonight," Amy said, rolling over onto her side and waiting for Karma to do the same. Karma shut her eyes slow before obliging. She opened them again once she had turned to face her.

"What'd you do?"

"I guess the wedding was for a high school friend of hers. I didn't know but… That girl was there."

"What girl?" Karma asked curiously, pushing Amy's hair back and touching her face in a normal affectionate way. It was obvious that Amy felt messed up about something.

"The one who hurt her. The one she was in love with," Amy sighed. She rolled back onto her back and seemed stressed. Karma scooted up to her still on her side and hugged herself to her.

"What was it like?" Karma asked, remembering that flare in Reagan's eyes when Lauren said that thing about her and Amy being a couple at the dinner. Amy must've been livid before now. Jealousy was scary sometimes. It was just one of those things you couldn't control until you knew it was happening. Amy was probably side-swiped.

"I didn't know until after. I saw them laughing and they danced."

"What?" Karma was almost pissed for her.

"Yeah, I know… But… I can't be mad," Amy said. "Look at us."

Karma stiffened a little. They were lying on a bed together, holding one another and talking like close lovers do.

"What right have I to be mad when I'm with you almost every day?"

"I dunno," Kama said, pulling her arm down to Amy's neck and scooting her face a little closer so that she could talk lighter and think less. "It's different though, isn't it?" Karma asked, knowing that for now, she may be the only one who knew it wasn't different.

"Maybe," Amy squirmed uncomfortably. She liked that Karma was all over her but she hated to think that she'd been hurting Reagan all along without meaning to.

"I don't think Reagan's as threatened by me as you think," Karma said. "Plus," she had to do it. "It's not like we were actually dating," she said. A lump in her throat. Actually dating would mean mutual touching, mutual wanting, nervousness that didn't have to be hidden, and holding hands knowing that it wasn't for someone else but for you and her and just you two.

If she was brave enough to let herself be selfish she could tell Amy right now, how she wished that they had tried at least. But she swallowed it down. It was her own fault, after all, that they never got to really try.

"I know," Amy said lightly, her voice rising a bit in agreement and frustration.

"I mean, her and this girl. She was in love with her."

"Yeah, like I love you," Amy said, boiling it all down.

"Yeah," Karma said, scooting closer to her still and resting her head against her cheek in a bit of a hug.

"But they kissed," Karma said almost sadly. God, she wanted to kiss her now. It was becoming the only thing she could think about nowadays.

"We kissed," Amy smiled, holding onto the arm of Karma's that was around her neck and holding her tight.

"But, it wasn't real," Karma said, seeing her close again, those eyes and those lips.

"It happened," Amy said, thinking at once that for her it really really was real. It was sad that Karma usually felt like they were faking when so much of it was real for Amy.

"I mean, it would be different if we kissed now," Karma said. That would be cheating. There were rules. They'd be breaking one now if they kissed.

"What do you mean?" Amy asked, surveying her seriously.

"If we kissed now it'd be cheating," Karma said strongly, sure of her words.

"Yeah, but we wouldn't," Amy smiled and blushed.

"Mmmhmmm," Karma agreed nervously, taking those lips in with her eyes and wishing that they could cheat.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked queerly. "You're being weird."

"Yeah…" Karma sighed. "I think so."

"You always say that," Amy said sort of annoyed with her and sitting up to hug her knees and look down at her friend. "Why are you lying to me?" Amy asked, suddenly sure that she needed to know what Karma was thinking.

"Reagan slept with her Amy, it's different." Karma was smart when she spoke. She knew that if she changed the subject back she could distract Amy and get her to forget.

"After she told me…" Amy held at her wrist and clenched her jaw a little before looking at Karma again. "I freaked out."

"And that's fine," Karma said, placing a hand onto Amy's to calm her.

"I know," Amy said, moving her hand up into her hair and holding at her head in distress. "It's just…"

"Complicated," Karma said. They said that word too much nowadays.

"Yeah," Amy sighed, looking down at her and forgetting like Karma had wanted.

After that they watched a movie, ate some popcorn. Karma played part of her song for Amy. And then they slept together in the same bed.

It was the best night Karma could ask for and Amy loved it too though she was stressed and unable to keep her mind off of how ridiculous she had acted.

"What if she cheats on me?" Amy asked.

"She won't," Karma was sure. No one could cheat on Amy, that would just be uncalled for and strange.

"But what if she does?"

"You can't think like that, sweetie," Karma said, facing her and touching her waist beneath her shirt without meaning to. She pulled her hand away right after and played with a string on her bedspread, pretending to not be weirded out by herself. "Reagan loves you, you know that," Karma said.

"Yeah but she loves her… I mean.. What if things were different with us? What if you loved me back?"

_What if…. _Karma thought. Nervously she took a shaky breath and tried to keep calm. There wasn't a right way to proceed with this conversation.

"Hmm?" Karma just made a little noise to urge Amy on. She couldn't tell Amy she didn't love her and she couldn't just say _**What if? **_That would imply that she still didn't feel a damn thing. And she felt a thing. She felt too much.

"I'd probably cheat on her," Amy said.

"What?" Karma wasn't expecting that.

"I-I-I mean, it's a stupid thing to think about and it doesn't make me feel anything other than angry with myself but I probably would."

"Amy…" _Fuck._ Karma couldn't stop the wheels in her head. Amy just confessed that she would leave Reagan for her and that was a problem because Karma wanted her to. It was wrong all wrong but Karma wanted it more than ever.

She took a deep breath in and grounded her friend. "You've gotta stop thinking like this, it doesn't help anything." Karma rest a hand on Amy's arm and made sure to speak right too her now and be strong.

"I just… I can't even expect her not to cheat," Amy said. It would be a double-standard.

"I can't see anyone cheating on you, Amy," Karma said with an assurity. She'd keep it in. She'd pretend she didn't love her. Reagan would make her happy. Reagan would be good to her.

"Why can't you just love me back?" Amy joked, pushing Karma on the arm.

"It's probably not such a good idea anyway," Karma smiled painfully.

"You're stupid," Amy smiled.

"You're stupid," Karma said, pushing her back.

When Amy pushed her again, Karma tickled her friend on her side beneath her shirt and watched as she squirmed and wiggled and tried to escape it without breathing.

Eventually Amy whimpered out the word: "DON'T!" And Karma gave in.

They laid in the dark soon after and Amy fell right to sleep.

Karma stayed awake, watching her.

She only wondered when the lying could stop.


	2. Chapter 2

_*I've been working on this one for days… No time. I have no idea how it ended up SOOOOOOOOOOOO long hahahahaha*_

_*I'll hopefully be posting another chapter of this though… It's sweet where it ends but I'm sure another chapter couldn't hurt*_

_*the first chapter of this still seems a hundred times better than the second so I'm sort of mad at this chapter now*_

**Chapter Two**

**I Told You If You Called I'd Come A-Runnin'**

**Part I**

After that, the weekend was fine. Karma went with Amy to meet Reagan for breakfast the very next day. It was painful for Karma to watch the two of them and see all the love that was there between the unspoken words. It was like they needed each other. And it wasn't the sort of thing where Karma just wished she had that with somebody. Karma knew exactly who she wanted that with and that person was sitting next to her and experiencing it all with someone else. The reality of her situation seemed to claw at her from the inside out. The back of her eyes itched, her stomach seemed to eat itself, and her heart pounded violently at her chest in protest of its cage and its new unnecessary burden.

It hurt so much to watch them be, that, Karma almost couldn't take it. It was definitely too hard for her to witness. Seeing Amy in so deep with another person? It did weird things to Karma's body and made her feel downright ill. Most of that morning was glances and small words. Karma sat by and watched while two lovers did their silent dance. She could read the writing on the walls and all the writing said: _they love each other. They love each other. They love each other. _

She just felt like she shouldn't be there. She even had to excuse herself to go to the bathroom and just hold at her chest and breathe. She stayed in there a long time wondering how she was going to get over this now. Eventually Amy even came to fetch her. Karma actually felt like dying just then.

"You okay?"

Karma smiled and shook her head _**yes**_. Amy was too wrapped up in Reagan to really glimpse the full extent of Karma's pain. Amy hugged her friend and enjoyed the morning because of the resolution it held and the night that preceded it. Meanwhile, Karma was dying inside.

They finished their food and, after the bathroom, Reagan and Amy sat by each other, across from Karma, and seemed to be more loving with one another. Which made it all that much worse. Karma felt her skin crawl and she needed to get out. She played on her phone and avoided eye contact. One of her favorite actors had died, she used that as an excuse for her mood. But the truth of the matter was, when the two of them kissed, it was the hardest thing for Karma to watch or endure. It hurt her so deeply, just cut into her and left invisible bleeding wounds. No one could see the wounds so no one would know, but Karma was hurt by the vision, physically weakened by the sight of Amy kissing someone else.

Time slowed as they kissed and Karma felt herself stuck where she sat.

Amy invited Karma to join them for a movie right after but Karma knew that she couldn't sit next to the two of them all bruised up without thinking about how much she wished she was holding Amy's hand and mending Amy's heart and whispering into Amy's ear and being that person in Amy's life that gave her butterflies and got to hold her in the dark and make sure she knew she'd never need anyone else.

I mean, she was that person, sort of, but it wasn't the same now, being around them there made it glaringly clear. Karma couldn't watch it. She couldn't stand by and pretend to have no reaction while Amy let Reagan take her place right In front of her. Not now that she knew she loved her back.

The next few weeks went by in their usual way. Karma stayed away from Amy as much as possible and lost herself in her daydreams. She finished her song and moved onto another and then another. One of the band kids, who was dating a dancer, befriended Karma one day and convinced her to do a lax show when she was hiding out from Amy in the music room, a place Amy would never even think to look. He had been so sweet and over the top with his compliments. Karma had been sweetly practicing in a corner all alone and he and his girlfriend had been close by and listening all along.

With that little push from Jeremy, the saxophonist, and his girlfriend, who specialized in contemporary jazz, Karma developed an unexpected desire to share her new songs at a not so formal event. She wasn't sure if it was just a distraction for her or a way to get Amy's attention without having to feel crappie or left out during the process. Karma just knew she wanted to do it so she planned on making it a whole thing.

All it took was the mention and Shane had magically come up with the perfect venue at a local coffee house where one of his other friends liked to play. The word spread, like wildfire, all over Hester in less than a day. She couldn't go anywhere after that without people asking her when it was going to be and what she was going to play. People even started to ask her if Amy was going to perform too. Everyone had their own idea of what it was all for. Karma became nervous but excited. She'd never had a whole show all her own.

Amy was the last to know about Karma's event and she felt hurt by that. Karma wasn't talking to her much anymore and she herself had been sneaking off for lunch with Reagan more often than she'd like to admit. If anything she herself had been driving Karma away. She felt guilty about that but she also knew it was the only way it was all really working for them.

Karma's momentary high was crushed soon enough. All that writing and practicing and time seemed pointless when Amy accidentally broke her heart without knowing by unexpectedly pulling out of coming to Karma's show only two nights before curtains. It was all very sad, almost like a last little straw on a large heap of bigger straws that had already been too heavy for the soggy wooden floor-boards to hold them up. Karma felt her scales tip in that moment. She pushed it all down though somehow.

"Karma… I can't go," Amy has said.

Four words was all it took. Four little words and Karma felt her whole world crashing down inside of her, all that doubt and all those signs. She hadn't said as much but Amy was done with her, simply done. Karma tried to calm herself and shoo away that horrible thought. They were in a public space and this shouldn't be a big deal, it really shouldn't, but to Karma it obviously was.

The collapse inside of her just sort of paralyzed her for the moment. She wanted to fall to the ground and sit and just disappear but that didn't happen somehow. Instead she just stood there.

Back on that day, before the news, Karma had convinced Amy to go to the mall and help her pick the perfect outfit for the event. Amy picked that moment to come out with her exciting trip. Reagan won some tickets at one of her events and she got a free hotel in Florida and free tickets to Disney World for the two of them. An offer like that didn't come along more than once. Even Farrah was elated for Amy and Reagan. Karma had to try and stop herself from throwing up right after Amy told her. It wasn't just that she wasn't coming to the show. It was also the thought of them together. Happy. Together.

They walked around the mall a little more and Karma told Amy she wasn't feeling well so they went home.

After that, Karma was in denial because it was easier. She didn't want to cancel after all the hype around school. She didn't want to be the jealous ex or the jealous friend or the jealous anything. She really didn't want that. So she tried and tried and tried.

Karma understood how rare of an opportunity it was for Amy and Reagan... But… She also knew that this wasn't just a free trip. This was a romantic getaway and another number on that ugly list. The list that had once been invisible but now it had a name and a few charts, a situational key, and some pictures to help demonstrate the pain.

If the list had a title it would be: **All the Times Amy Raudenfeld Chose Someone Else Over Me. **

And fuck. That list hurt… And it was everywhere now: every thing and every day.

Karma didn't know what to do with it. She didn't know how to respond. How does one react when the person they've always been with just decides to not be with them anymore?

Something flipped in Amy and they were different now. Forever different.

Sure, they weren't actually dating before but Karma had been Amy's and Amy had been Karma's and they lived for each other and loved only each other and, _goddamit_, Karma began to think. _Is that really not the same fucking thing?! _

It burned at her. It wore her down. It had gotten to the point where Karma actually began to ach every time she saw it coming again. At first, when Amy chose someone else, it was hard but Karma got it, she understood. But now… This was… A sign.

This wasn't just a little thing. This was a big thing, a thing that mattered.

_Maybe it'll be easier with her gone…_ Karma thought, for the sake of self-preservation. Karma knew that none of it would be easy.

Almost every song was about Amy and it hurt to know that Karma would never even be able to tell her that.

The night came. The place was cute. It reminded Karma of Forgetting Sarah Marshall when Jason Segal played his Dracula song on the piano.

There was a raised stage but it was so very small.

And the place was packed by default, because it was already popular, but Karma recognized a few faces and tried to keep her mind on those new people instead of Amy.

It was hard. It proved impossible.

All the songs were about Amy and she began to wonder if everybody knew.

The worst of all was Lauren.

Karma didn't even know why she came. But Lauren did come and she sat all alone and right up front.

Lisbeth was there but Lauren sent her to sit with Shane and Liam. Lisbeth wanted to talk through the whole show and it got to the point where even her silence was disturbing to Lauren.

As soon as Lisbeth left her side, the concert became all too real for Lauren.

The whole time she played, Karma couldn't stop looking at Lauren. She couldn't stop seeing that reaction so plain as day on her face.

Lauren was a reserved person. She didn't flaunt her emotions. For some reason that's what made it so hard for Karma to see.

Lauren must've known. She picked up on something. She must've known.

That's why she sat alone and clapped a lot and actually cried.

Watching her was like sharing something. Halfway through her set, Karma's denial finally waned... Seeing Lauren cry, though Lauren tried to hide it, she really did. Karma began to let herself feel it all until finally she was crying too, and up on stage like some tragic broken heart.

Amy wasn't there. Amy didn't care.

_I'm in love with her. I'm in love with her. I'm in love with her. _

Why play the song?

Why do anything for anyone ever again?

The one person she loved had chosen Disneyworld and sex over her only best friend. That is what Reagan stood for now: sex. So, somehow, that hurt more for Karma than anything else really could. Karma always chose Amy. Even over sex. And now it was all confusing because Karma knew she actually wanted to be Amy's outlet for that too.

It was at that point when Karma realized. She had crafted that whole show for Amy really. It was all for her, to remind herself that Amy loved her and prove again that Amy would always be her best friend.

It was like a test that Karma never knew she was giving. A test that Amy had failed.

While playing the saddest of all her songs, the one Karma knew Amy would love because Amy hadn't heard a note of it yet, Karma ran off the stage with her guitar in her hand and disappeared out the cafe doors while everyone stared and half the patrons gasped.

Anyone who had been paying any attention would tell you that Karma was heartbroken. But only a few people could actually intuit why. Among them, only three: Liam. Shane. And Lauren.

Lauren chased her.

"Karma! Stop!" She chased her and grabbed her arm, pulling Karma around and seeing how broken she was. "Why haven't you told her?" Lauren wanted to scream. She never knew.

"Let me go," Karma tried. "Let me go, I need to go."

"I'll take you home, come on."

"Lauren…" Karma pulled her arm back and stood before her. Seeing Karma up close was even harder for Lauren because she understood her so well now and all in a matter of minutes.

"Okay…" Lauren said.

"You can't tell her," Karma said, her whole world crashing down on her.

"I won't," Lauren said, sad for her all at once.

Karma turned and walked to her car. She placed her guitar in the backseat and reversed out quickly, leaving the scene and leaving a piece of her behind with it.

**Part II**

After all of that. After she placed aside some time to heal. Karma felt ridiculous and weak. She had made everything in her life about Amy. Even after deciding to let Amy go, she still subconsciously had been doing it, placing Amy at the forefront of all her dreams and schemes.

A lot of people from school had showed up to that thing. Everyone seemed to be enjoying it before Karma broke down. She just couldn't stop thinking about Amy and how distant they both were, literally and figuratively. But she had to stop if she wanted to breathe. And she had to stop if she wanted to live.

Her mantra became: _Amy deserves happiness._

It went round and round in her head whenever Karma started to get the thoughts.

Amy came back from the trip on a Wednesday. She was all smiles and heart-eyes and complete obliviousness. She was filled with stories about Reagan and how fun it was to be away from home alone. Karma put on a brave face and pretended that nothing happened while she was gone. But a lot of her time with Amy, she spent reading between the spoken stories and lines. Amy would say a thing and Karma would imagine what really happened.

When Amy asked about the event Karma showed her a video that Shane had taken of her without her knowing.

"Wow…" Amy huffed. There was something in the way Karma played. She was just so tragic sometimes and it made Amy feel heavy. "Anyway you can do a second show?" Amy suddenly wished she had stayed. It was instant, that feeling. It didn't matter that she had never been to Disneyworld or that she had never been away with a girlfriend or that she felt like an adult while she was gone whenever she wasn't making out with Reagan all over the park in fits of sexual hunger and teenage foolishness.

"I dunno," Karma said. She had made both Shane and Lauren promise not to tell Amy what really happened. She didn't want Amy to know. Plus all the other people at school had been coming up to her one-by-one and asking if she was okay and complimenting her on the songs and her voice and the words and that pain.

"It sounds great, Karma," Amy had said, with a beat of defeat in her voice. She knew even then, she still wished she was choosing Karma.

Karma watched her friend. Amy was close to tears.

"Yeah," Karma breathed shakily, trying to hide her emotions.

What did it matter if the songs were good? The songs were a distraction… They were never really the goal and Karma knew that all now.

**Part III**

It was touch and go most of the time after that. Amy would touch and Karma would go.

Karma was too tender now to handle it.

It got to the point where Karma just started making excuses to get out of seeing her friend. What began as Amy pushing Karma away turned into Karma pushing Amy away. Things with Reagan seemed to go well after the wedding and the trip. Everything was fine with Amy's life.

Until April rolled around…

Karma was minding her own business, distracting herself again, pouring herself into a project that hopefully had nothing to do with testing Amy or winning Amy or obsessing over Amy, though everything Karma did would always have to do with Amy in some way or another, their relationship was that big a part of her. She was working on a semi-ghetto home recording in her garage. She'd set up a mic-stand and a few lamps and her recording gear. She'd been in there for a least an hour or two when she heard a loud banging on the garage door.

"Karma? Let me in," Amy said. She was obviously upset and crying. Amy wouldn't act that way for any other reason.

Luckily, Karma's parents were both out. Amy must've heard her voice coming out of the garage on the way up the drive. Since Karma was only hearing the familiar sound of a metronome in her headphones it had been easy to hear the pounding of Amy's open-palm on the door and the voice she craved and recognized instantly even over the mechanical ticking in her ear that could drive a person to madness.

"Hold on," Karma said, taking her headphones off and walking over to press the button that opened the garage.

What she saw as the doors slowly opened was a fragile Amy who was two breaths away from collapsing.

_**No**_, Karma breathed, almost inaudibly. Something bad had happened. This was Amy destroyed. Karma only saw that when people died.

Karma ran to her and let Amy fall into her and hold her tight.

"What happened?" Karma asked.

Amy just shook her head as Karma held her, she shook her head and she cried into her.

"It's okay," Karma said, knowing that she only had that to say now. "It's okay."

Karma moved them both to sit down on the ground and she held Amy while Amy cried hard into her neck and held her tighter than she'd done in such a long time. The breeze flew in from the neighborhood and Karma wished the door could just automatically close itself. It wasn't embarrassing or cold, she just wanted to make Amy feel safe, hide her away, and keep her for herself until everything could be fixed.

Whatever happened it really wasn't good. Karma wanted to ask but Amy wasn't speaking and that meant she couldn't speak.

Karma pulled Amy's hair out of her face and let her cry.

She rocked her and kissed her face.

Without thinking she began to see the song that had broken her during her show. Halfway through it Amy settled, nuzzled closer to her and hugged her a bit sweeter.

**Part IV**

Karma fed her, though Amy was silent. Amy laid on the couch and watched tv. She silently wept while Karma fixed a sandwich in the kitchen and poured a soda to calm her and make her feel full.

"You didn't have-"

"I wanted to," Karma said, placing the sandwich and coke before her. She watched her briefly, worriedly, before returning to the kitchen and grabbing a small something for herself.

When she came back she curled up on the couch, near the side, and tried to keep distance. She sat on her feet and ate quietly.

She soon felt the tug at her waist, the tug of Amy pulling her to come close.

"Oh," Karma said. It had been so long since they had done something like this.

Karma felt vulnerable and scared but she also felt tender in a good way, achy and sweet. She put her grapes down and crawled over to her. Amy made a space between her body and the couch and pulled Karma to lay on her so that she could hold her there.

Karma felt her heart speed up and she started to get nervous about the way she was breathing.

Once Karma was wrapped up in her arms and laying ontop of her in the dark room lit only by the flashing television and the light in Amy's eyes, Amy said an unexpected thing.

"I'm sorry I've been such a horrible friend," she said.

"Amy…" This had nothing to do with the secret Amy was keeping. Plus it meant Amy knew what she was doing to Karma all along, and that was just depressing. Karma pushed the statement away. "You haven't been a horrible friend."

"I still can't believe I missed your show."

"Why are you even thinking about that?" Karma wanted to know. That was weeks ago.

"I dunno…" Amy said. But she'd been thinking it every day in secret and thinking she's an idiot and a jerk and thinking she'd been too cruel and too harsh and too anti with Karma for far too long.

"Just… Don't worry about it, okay?" Karma said.

"Yeah… Cause it's that easy…" Karma felt her heart jump just a little. "All I do is worry about you…" Amy confessed. Karma felt Amy's hand slide beneath the back of her shirt and rest on her skin, holding her, feeling her.

"I get it… It's fine." They both knew by now that it wasn't. But then they both also knew that laying together like this was the absolute best feeling in the world and they couldn't not enjoy it.

"I really miss this…" Amy said.

Karma raised her head a little and caught the tear that ran down Amy's cheek right after she said it.

"I miss it too," she wept back.

They fell asleep holding each other.

When Karma woke again the tv was off and the room was even darker than before. She stirred and Amy woke beneath her.

"Don't go.. Please," Amy begged.

"K," Karma said, resting back down and hugging her again. It was still driving her mad that Karma didn't know what had happened to break her. She didn't want to ask. Amy would speak in time.

"Maybe we should go up to my room," Karma said, once the silence became too much for her.

"Okay," Amy agreed.

Karma stood up and lent her hand down to Amy who grabbed it and stood too. Karma led the way walking slow while Amy followed in the dark still affected by whatever had happened to her.

Once in her room Karma began to change.

"I still have a pair of your pjs if you want," Karma said. She'd worn them a lot since they'd been so distant. But Amy didn't know that and she'd never have to know since it would obviously hurt her and that wasn't something Karma would ever want to do again.

Amy nodded and Karma pulled the folded bottoms and loose soft top out of her drawers. She handed them to Amy and smiled. Amy smiled back, not wanting to speak on the fact that Karma was standing before her with nothing but her bra on top and with the way the moonlight came crashing in through the curtains Karma looked like an angel.

Nervously, sensing Amy's eyes on her now instead of off where they were hurt before, Karma cleared her throat and turned from her, tossing a thin loose shirt over her body and unhooking her bra beneath it while turned around so that things wouldn't have to be weird.

Amy changed slowly and Karma turned to see her struggling to move even more than before.

"Here," Karma said. She walked close and slowly began to pull Amy's shirt off for her. It felt intimate and sweet. Like something she would have done before all this mess, something she would've done just to help but now she did for more than one reason and both of them meant love.

Amy was crying again, fully conscious again. Whatever happened had come back to her and hurt her again. Karma pushed her back a little until Amy sat on the bed and cried into her hands.

"Shit, Amy… You have to tell me what's going on," Karma said sadly, kneeling before her at the foot of the bed and pulling her into a hug.

Amy cried into her shoulder and felt like dying.

"Can we just sleep?" Amy asked. She'd been broken by something and she couldn't talk about it yet.

"Of course," Karma said, sensing the fragility in her friend.

Amy let her go and crawled back up the bed, pushing the covers off and placing herself inside. Karma was everywhere but still far away. Amy missed her bed and her things and her aura, if that was even a real thing.

It wasn't lost on Karma that Amy had rejected the idea of even dealing with a shirt now.

Reluctantly, Karma stood up and walked around the bed, pulling the cover up and placing herself inside.

As soon as she did, Amy curled up around her, entwining them lovingly. They fit so perfect together that it actually hurt Karma to notice.

"So what? You sleep naked now?"

"Shut up!" Amy laughed and pinched her lightly causing Karma to jump a little underneath her and laugh too. It surprised them both... To laugh.

Amy tried to think of the last time Karma had laughed like that with her. She tried but she couldn't place it. Sorrowfully, she held Karma tighter and let her hand slide under her shirt at the side. She nuzzled into her and rubbed at her stomach. She was thankful for her.

In her head, Amy wondered if she was taking too much, being too girlfriendy with her friend. But for Karma it was the opposite of weird. It was perfection. She mirrored Amy's movements and let her own hand touch at Amy's naked side and hold her. And she let her head fall into Amy so that she could breathe her in and savor her more. It was almost like having her. This position, this night. The way they talked but didn't. They touched carefully with nothing but intention.

A heavy feeling of contentment filled Karma up inside, only to be chased away by her guilt.

Amy suddenly could not stop looking at her friend. She drank in her features and wished she had been seeing more of her before today.

"What?" Karma asked. She felt vulnerable and serious. It was like Amy had caged her all of a sudden but not in a bad way. All this time Karma had been trying to escape a situation like this because it was risky.

"There's something different here, isn't there…" Amy asked, raising a hand to Karma's face and watching as Karma closed her eyes into her touch and moved her face closer so that Amy would touch her more.

She didn't answer. But she did raise her hand to Amy's wrist and hold it where it was so that Amy would keep touching her.

"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Amy asked. All this time, for months, Amy had known that Karma was broken. Internally, Amy tried to chalk it up to last year and her own confession and the mess with Liam and how betrayed Karma must have been.

It had been months since that though and Karma still wasn't the same. Amy started to wonder if this was just her now, the way she would be. Distant Karma. Closed off Karma. Sweet but lonely Karma.

"I just miss you," Karma said, her eyes still closed. When she opened them again she saw that Amy had closed hers too. She searched Amy's face again for an answer to the question of what had happened and what had hurt her, but the answer could not be read.

Amy sighed lightly. She would never be able to forget that she had broken her best friend.

Karma watched her, nervously. She felt her breath stutter and speed. She was so close to Amy's lips, just so close, they were right there.

_Just do it_, her brain urged. _ Come on, you want to. Just do it. Then she'll know._

_No… _She tried to fight it. All the signs read no and all the thoughts mapped it out to equal disaster, a bad idea. It was better to lay low. It was better to not get involved. better to wait. Always better to wait. God, her brain tried to fight her body.

"What are you thinking?" Amy asked. Like a switch in Karma, she knew at once her urges would win out.

Despite everything. Despite how hard she tried to avoid her and push her away and let her have a life without her, Amy always came back and, the two of them always ended up here. Two lovers on a bed. Two lovers in each other's arms. Two sad girls who needed each other. They had always been that. They would always be that.

_Fuck it_, Karma thought. Amy was here. Amy was hers.

Karma had fought it long enough. Now it was time to read the writing on the wall, face the facts, try try again.

The pounding in her chest grew violent and she realized she was going to do it now, she was going to stop hiding and she was going to kiss her.

It wasn't because she was crying. Or because she was pretty when she cried.

It wasn't because over the last few months she had grown more attractive than Karma could ever explain.

It wasn't because she missed those eyes and those lips and the way her girl laughed with her.

It was so simple, the reason.

Amy was still worried about Karma in this dark time of mysterious sadness.

After everything Amy went through, whatever that was, she was still concerned about Karma. Still pushing to find out why Karma had been so incredibly simple with her for so incredibly long. There was no shaking it or avoiding it. Amy always knew something was wrong.

It was all Karma needed, that little push. It incited in her a desperate need to take the way of madness. For so long she had been fighting it. Fighting Amy, fighting herself. For so long she had been pretending she could keep this from Amy. But she never did and she never could. Amy always knew there was something wrong. Amy always knew they were off and disconnected. And through it all, Amy did crave her. Look at her now, wrapped up in her as if Karma is her one, her only.

Karma breathed in shakily and leaned in, searching Amy's closed eyes hopefully as she shut her own and leaned in, placing a soft chased kiss onto Amy's warm lips.

"Hhh," Amy exhaled, a smile rising. She didn't open her eyes.

Karma leaned back and saw. Amy hadn't smiled like that about her in a long time.

"What was that fo-"

Karma leaned in again and kissed her differently now. She opened her mouth just a tad and let her tongue dance out and touch at Amy's lip so that she could taste her more and feel her. It was like all those kisses in her dreams, the ones she woke up from feeling alive and in love only to be crushed by reality. There was a difference though, this was obviously better than dreaming. Kissing Amy was like coming back but to a new place, a place she'd never seen but only felt, a safe place, a place where they could both stay forever, and a place where no one else could ever come. Amy had always meant family. She had always meant home. But this kiss was new and perfect, it was everything Karma had thought it would be, only better.

Amy's eyes opened slowly and blinked twice while Karma was kissing her. This was a real kiss, not a play one. Her mind raced. _Why was Karma kissing her?_

Karma moved her hand up to Amy's neck and she let her thumb pull at Amy's jaw line and draw her in.

Amy shut her eyes this time and let herself feel as Karma kissed her deeply, so deep it had to be real, so deep it had to mean something miraculous.

Karma felt as Amy let her in, and lost herself in that feeling, and she smiled into her, knowing Amy had felt it all too.

That smile, those lips. Karma was smiling into her while she kissed and Amy wanted to scream with happiness but she also wanted to never stop touching her. She pushed her thoughts away and sank into her again, tasting her like she remembered and feeling a whole lotta something new.

Once Karma broke away, thinking that was the most perfect kiss she could ever have in her entire life, she opened her eyes slowly to see that Amy was watching her wordlessly, confusion dancing across her face with all those mixed emotions of joy and guilt and happiness and why now.

"What was that?" Amy asked.

"That was… That," Karma shakily sighed, drinking her eyes in and feeling ready to burst. She rolled over in the bed so that she could face her room instead of Amy and freak out a little about how happy that kiss had made her.

"Karma?"

"Sorry," Karma said, the smile on her lips glued on because she couldn't shake it off. She was too happy, too fucking happy.

"Karma… You can't just…" Amy stopped talking so Karma cleared her throat.

"You asked me what was wrong," Karma said. Her head swimming with that feeling, that kiss.

"Hey, look at me," Amy said, rolling her onto her back.

Once Karma fell back Amy could see that smile on her face.

"You are smiling like a crazy person."

"I think I'm happy," Karma laughed, pulling her hands up to her face and wiping away happy tears over her flushed cheeks that already pained from smiling. How long had it been since she was happy?

"Who are you and what'd you do with my friend?!" Amy joked and smiled, unable to remain upset with a happy Karma beneath her, a happy Karma who had kissed her.

Suddenly Karma remembered that Amy had been sad.

"What happened," she asked, changing the subject. Her smile fell just a little but Amy was hovering over her and she reached up to touch her face lovingly and that brought it all back, the happy heart, the wistful feeling of mutual love.

"I'm not telling you anything until you-"

Looking up at her, seeing her try to fight her, Karma couldn't help it, she wanted her again. Playfully, she pulled Amy down ontop of her and kissed her again, this time using both of her hands and kissing her deeper, tasting her more, keeping her face with her so that she could really feel her as much as humanly possible.

"Mmm," Amy fought at first, confused, but then she gave in happily and sank into her, feeling Karma soft beneath her and letting her hands and forearms fall down at Karma's sides so that her body could actually rest onto hers.

Amy's heart pounded in her chest, a craving cracked open completely and allowed itself to be met. She breathed heavily as Karma held her and kissed her and clung on to her, asking her to stay.

This was different. She loved Reagan but this was different.

"Fuck," Amy breathed once Karma gave her a moment. Amy had lost all hope of ever doing that again. They had set boundaries. They were done faking.

Karma knew all about Amy's feelings now, so why? Amy wondered if perhaps she was trying to cheer her up. Still that thought just seemed odd.

"Karma… I need-"

Karma pulled her down again, smiling more. Every time Amy tried to stop and take stock of things, Karma would just tug at her, just a little, until her lips pressed to her own and she could kiss her again. The kissing would disorient Amy just enough and she would lose herself in the moment and let herself be Karma's again. It was almost a cycle now, it kept happening. Karma kept kissing her and Amy kept losing herself.

Karma was so quiet now, just breathing and smiling and touching and tugging. Amy had tried a few times to get her to explain but all explanations went out the window when Karma's hand slid higher on Amy's side and held dangerously close to her bra.

"Hey, stop!" Amy finally said, laughter taking her. She wasn't mad at her. She fucking loved this. But she needed to know what it was and why it was happening. She couldn't just sink into it and be okay with it. Something in her wouldn't let her.

She pulled Karma's hands off of her by the wrists and then pressed a firm hand on Karma's chest and sat up on her, keeping her away. Karma had lifted herself up to try and win her again but Amy's hand kept her away.

"I need you to talk to me," Amy smiled.

"We always talk," Karma sighed, excited by the kissing.

At this point, even that was a lie. They rarely talked. They rarely did anything anymore. Karma stopped and stared up at her, knowing Amy needed to hear why this was happening.

"I couldn't hide it anymore," Karma said, her chest pounding at the place where Amy's palm rest.

"Hide what?"

"This," Karma said, moving a hand to Amy's arm and letting it slide from her elbow down to her wrist. She firmly pressed on Amy's hand, motioning for her to feel her heart as it pounded quick in her chest.

"I don't get it," Amy said. Karma always loved her, she always loved everything.

"Ever since I slept with Liam- I-"

Amy stared and waited. She felt the pounding and bent her elbow, drawing Karma nearer and searching her for the answer.

"Why is this so hard to say," Karma sighed, leaning back from her and laying back down on the bed. She held at her head and sighed.

Amy curled up along side her and rest her head on her hand so that she could watch her. She let her fingers find a lock of Karma's hair and play with it. All she could think about now was how good Karma tasted. She bit her lip to try and salvage a taste.

Karma saw and huffed a laugh out rather nervously. It was like relief had found her only not quite. She still had to come out with it.

She looked up at her decidedly and let her smile come and then go.

"I've been wanting to do that for a long time now."

"How long?"

"Too long…"

"You're talking about the kissing, right?" Amy asked slowly, trying to make sure to get it all out.

"Yea… The kissing," Karma said, searching Amy's face for a negative reaction or anything at all.

"That's new..." Amy smiled awkwardly, suddenly embarrassed. She let herself lay down on her back so that her eyes could be shielded from her friend. But Karma moved up onto her side to watch her because she needed to know what this meant for them and if it meant what she wanted it to mean.

"I guess… At some point," Karma swallowed, trying to be brave. She wanted Amy to see her when she was saying this so she hovered over her and made sure she was watching. "I fell in love with you too."

Amy laughed a huff and her eyes traveled down and then up again.

Was this a trick?

Was this a tease?

Of all the things that could happen tonight, Amy never imagined in a million years that this...

_Karma wouldn't say this if…._

Amy's mind swam and her chest swam and her stomach swam.

"Why didn't you-"

"Say something? Kiss you right then?" Karma smiled, touching her face and watching as Amy cherished the touch and moved into her even more, letting her feel and be that person again. "Dedicate a song to you in front of the whole school and watch as you swoon?" It was funny because old Karma would've done all of those things. Old Karma had not actually been in love.

"That concert…" Amy thought out loud. "Lauren had said…" She'd said Karma was sad and that it looked like love-sickness to her.

Amy had scoured the internet for every song but she was missing one, the most important one. She hadn't ever seen Karma walk out on the whole thing.

"I wanted you so much," Karma sighed. She let herself fall back on the bed and rest. It was out of her now. It was all done, good and done.

"Karma, why?" Amy asked, moving near her and watching her now.

"All those songs were about you. Every one," Karma confessed shakily. Just to drive it home, Karma began to instantly sing one that Amy knew, "_How is it you don't know… When I look at you I glow. You were everything to me and you will forever be. So say yes, and please have me, say yes and I'm yours-_" She was singing one of the songs and realizing.

"Oh God, Karma…" Amy listened and loved and realized.

It had been SO long. Karma had been working on those songs for so long and that was one of the first. "That was months ago." Amy said, the whole weight of it sinking in.

"Mmmhmm…" Karma said guiltily, knowing how absurd it was. She had so much doubt in her own emotions that she couldn't possibly tell Amy then in good faith. Now it was different. Now it was no longer just a little flutter in her stomach or a little notion in her head. Now it was non-stop, all the time. She was in love with her, she wanted her. It was concrete like a goddamn mountain.

"Shit…" Amy breathed, unsure of what to do or say.

"I'm not expecting you to…"

"What?"

"Leave her," Karma said. "I didn't do this for-"

"Karma..."

"What?"

"Reagan slept with someone…" Anger surged through Karma like a lightning bolt until it was all she could feel.

"What?!" She sat up quick and stared at Amy with rage in her eyes.

"I found out last night… She told me. She was crying and upset and… She started saying these things… About us… And… I just left, I couldn't stay there. Couldn't listen" Amy would tell her soon that it was that girl, the one Reagan had loved, but right now she hadn't the words.

"Amy…" Karma moved to wrap her up in a loving hug. It took only seconds for her to notice once again that Amy was definitely not wearing a shirt. "Fuck, you feel good though," Karma added, feeling selfish for loving anything at a time like this.

"Stop!" Amy laughed. She rubbed Karma's back and smiled, still overwhelmed by what she had just learned.

Karma held her and felt her skin. She lost herself in the feel of her, holding at her neck with one hand and her back with another. She found that her hands wanted to be certain places, parts of Amy just drew her in.

It really didn't take long for the urges to be all Karma could feel. The more she nuzzled and touched, the more of Amy she breathed inside.

She just wanted her.

All this wanting had been building and building and now Amy was in her arms and she knew about it, she knew how long it had been. It was like a spell or an enchantment, she felt Amy everywhere, so much of her that Amy took her over without even trying.

"So… Months?" Amy gulped, noticing the change in Karma and how Karma wasn't giving her any room to breathe or protest, not that she wanted to. Karma was holding her like a lover, touching her like a lover. The two of them had always walked such a fine line but Amy knew it now and that change was so very evident.

"Months," Karma smiled, breathing her in, savoring the touch of her.

"And did you dream about me?" Amy let her own mind drift back to that time before Karma knew. The dreams...

"Constantly," Karma almost groaned. Amy knew how it felt, she knew how it went. First Karma must've felt a sliver of something and then a bit more and then more until it snowballed into an avalanche, a high-speed cannonball, it was like swimming through cravings until craving was all you were anymore.

"The dreams were the worst," Amy sighed, closing her eyes. "And the best," she laughed lightly, remembering.

"Mmmhmm," Karma said knowingly, at heaven in her arms.

They were both already warm and almost sticky. Things got like that when you touched someone you wanted. It was the body's way of reminding you that this was all different and good.

Karma leaned back to look at her. Just the thought of Amy dreaming of her brought her out of herself and gave her confidence to see her again.

"I lived in those dreams," Karma said lovingly, wanting her to know. For months she did live in those dreams. For months she did push away reality and close her eyes to really live.

"I hate that you didn't tell me right away," Amy said, seeing her, thinking of how wrecked she was now over Reagan but also how confusing it all was. If Karma had feelings for her, she could be with Karma. But Reagan was her girlfriend, even if she cheated, they had slept together already, they had built a life that would be hard to forget. No matter what people were always getting hurt and someone was always left behind.

"I just didn't want to hurt you again…" Karma said, staring at her friend and wanting her to know how hard it was to speak it or think it or be it when she knew of all her little messes and problems.

"You're allowed to hurt me, Karma, we're family. It goes both ways." Amy held her now. At first she was lost but now she held her with strong arms and assuridy.

"I dunno," Karma sighed, still watching her. "It just seemed like, for a while there, it was just me hurting you constantly. I just didn't want to be this problem in your life anymore. The way you looked at me at that dinner…" Karma's mind swam back to that pivotal moment outside where Amy actually told her to leave. That night a lot of things changed. And then there was the jail-cell and Amy's speech.

If Karma had to pin-point where it really began she would say it was that night after jail. The feelings started there. Ever since then it had been a damn mess.

The dreams started then. The feelings started then. And Karma started to know in her heart and see how wrong she had been the whole time.

If they had only just waited a couple more months.

If only Reagan hadn't appeared in Amy's life so soon.

If only Karma didn't make Amy so uncomfortable that Amy needed to leave her so much to get on.

"That wasn't even about you Karma. That was all about me. That was me hurting you."

"I dunno," Karma sighed, remembering it differently. Karma knew that Amy would never act like that unless driven. She always figured she drove Amy to that and she really wasn't wrong about that but neither of them could explain.

"I want to kiss you again," Amy said. She had been holding her and watching her, thinking about the last few minutes in Karma's room.

"Yeah?" Karma asked, her eyes had been elsewhere before because she had been thinking to hard and down on herself, upset about it all. But now she looked up at her and allowed herself to see what was right in front of her.

"Yeah," Amy answered, a serious expression with a bit of a smile to it.

"Okay," Karma said, Amy was already holding her, basically keeping her from falling back into the bed.

Amy took a shallow breath in and pulled Karma up into her, kissing her now like she had wanted to for so long. Karma's hand fell to Amy's face as she kissed back and tasted perfection.

Amy leaned into Karma, laying her back down on the bed and laying ontop of her, all the while kissing her.

"You taste so good," Karma said, once Amy had broken enough to kiss at Karma's neck and surprise her with intense feelings. When Amy kissed her neck she felt it somewhere else, a tingle and a craving. She wanted Amy, she wanted more than just kissing.

"You taste good," Amy smiled, kissing up Karma's neck and then on her cheek and then her soft lips again.

Karma grabbed Amy's face in her hands as she kissed her. She felt Amy's hand run up her side and she gasped.

"Fuck," Karma said. After all this time, she really wasn't even ready for how intense this would feel.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked nervously.

"Yeah," Karma sighed, pulling Amy back into her. How could she really explain that she used Liam for sex and never really felt anything like this before? Her excitement for Liam had been internal, completely. When he touched her she didn't flutter. It had felt romantic then because of the situation but it really hadn't been a sensual experience at all, not any of it.

This.. This was different.

Amy let her fingertips rest lightly at Karma's hips and Karma felt each one of them like lasers of feeling shooting inside of her pleasantly. It was like Amy was pushing buttons very lightly and Karma was feeling everything 100 times stronger.

She panted, trying to breathe.

"Should I stop?" Amy asked, she had been touching her and kissing her slow, but she noticed how Karma's breath was off the charts, how she could barely breath all of a sudden, how her chest rose and fell rapidly because she was almost paralyzed by how much she felt.

"I- No," Karma said, winded, wanting her to never stop.

"I'm gonna stop," Amy smiled, kissing her deep and slowing her down. Amy held at her face as she kissed, and she raised her body up to try and stop Karma from feeling so much.

"Fuck," Amy said, rolling off of her and onto her back.

Karma wasn't lying and she wasn't kidding. Touching Karma now was more intense than it ever could've been before.

Amy held her head and breathed in slow. She wanted her so much. She always had.

"Don't, don't stop," Karma tried, reaching for Amy without moving and calmed down a little but she was still trapped by how intense that all felt.

Amy rolled onto her side to look at her. Karma had her eyes shut and she was panting like she used to after running when they were kids.

Amy stared down at her and adored her. Karma's face was almost pained because of how much she wanted and needed and didn't have.

"You always want to rush into things," Amy smiled jokingly, moving Karma's hair out of her face and watching as Karma slowly opened her eyes. The joke was that this was the one thing Karma didn't let herself rush into.

"That's why I waited," Karma said. "I wanted to be sure."

"I know," Amy said, cutting her off with a soothing response. It made perfect sense now. This was Karma Ashcroft after all, the girl who jumped in headfirst never thinking she might not come out of things alive.

Karma could have no idea what it meant to Amy that she mulled it over, took her time, actually fell in love with her, and all in secret. Karma didn't keep thing from Amy and she didn't need to filter herself at all. This was all about Karma protecting her from herself. And Amy knew that all now, all it took was this moment and this feeling and watching how intensely Karma wanted her in every little way.

"I hate that you're not kissing me," Karma huffed. She went back to closing her eyes and trying to remain calm.

Amy placed a hand on her stomach beneath her shirt and Karma met it, holding it still. Amy was right, Karma couldn't take so much at once, it was too much happiness. Only a little would do.

"I'd kiss you again if I didn't think it would break you," Amy laughed. She laid her head on Karma's shoulder and hugged herself close. If she tried not to move Karma could setlle better, but she too wanted to be touching and tasting and giving in to every little urge.

She sighed and wrapped her arm around her, hugging her tight.

"We should sleep," Amy said. She wasn't tired, just aware.

"You said that awhile ago," Karma reminded.

"Did I?" Amy asked dreamily.

"Mmmhmmm," Karma breathed out, calming down at last and loving the feel of Amy's arm around her waist and her head on her body.

"Okay," Amy said. It didn't matter. They were together. Things were okay.

Karma held her and calmed. She kissed her forehead and tried to find herself at a tired place but she wasn't tired at all. She was just excited and a little nervous.

Amy felt Karma's active state. "We're sleeping," she said.

"I can't sleep," Karma said. "I just told you I'm in love with you. How can you sleep?"

"If I don't sleep I'll want to touch you."

"So touch me."

"If I touch you, you'll have a heart attack," Amy mumbled, feeling happy on top of her friend.

"You're evil," Karma sighed.

"I know," Amy answered.

Karma moved and rolled away from her friend. If she was going to sleep, she couldn't be touching her.

"Hey, no fair," Amy said, scooting up to her and wrapping her up in her arms. Karma felt Amy's whole body against hers. Amy even kissed the back of her neck, causing Karma to stutter out a deep breath she didn't know she had been holding.

"I can't sleep like this," Karma said.

"Yes you can," Amy urged, feeling sleepy now and wanting to rest. She loved the feel of Karma in her arms. It was all familiar but just better now because they'd been away so long.

"Can we at least switch?" Karma asked. Being held and holding someone else were two very different things. In this moment she didn't feel calmed by being held.

"Fine," Amy said, rolling over and fixing her pillow. Karma was hesitant at first but she slid right into place. "Better?" Amy asked, once Karma had finally settled in all around her.

"Much," Karma said, feeling more relaxed now that it was her doing the holding.

"Good," Amy said, feeling all cozy in her arms. She rubbed at Karma's arm around her waist and sleepily tried to rest her mind.

"Karma?"

"Hmm?" The plan of Amy's had worked. Karma was already too comfortable to feel anything other than relaxed.

"I'm glad you kissed me tonight," Amy said.

That silent time in-between the talking. Amy had been thinking about how much Karma must've doubted herself to hold this in for so very long.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…" Amy sighed. Karma had been wanting her, needing her, but she'd also been sure that Amy's happiness came first. And Amy knew that all now. It was enough to fill her chest with happiness and remind her that no matter what she was and would always be loved.

Karma hugged her a bit tighter and sighed happily. It was like finally being able to rest after constantly feeling that to rest would be impossible.

"I love you," Amy said, remembering that she could say that without it being weird.

"I know," Karma said, a smile gracing her lips as she kept her eyes closed and moved her naked lips to the back of Amy's neck and kissed her there. Amy's love for her had never been in question. Amy's love was true and never-ending. Amy would always love Karma, forever.

"I love you too," Karma smiled. She rest her forehead on the back of Amy's neck and held her close, wanting only for things to never ever change and be this way for all time.


End file.
